When does being a mother start for a woman? Is it at the time you missed your period? Is it the second your pregnancy test reads positive? Is it the first visit to your OB-GYN? Or is it only at that point when you hold that precious bundle of joy in your arms for the very first time? For me, it started that night when I told my husband that I wanted to be a mother. It was a joint decision for us, since it definitely was a huge step for any couple. I didn’t have any regrets and at that time I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. But despite having a very good grasp of reproductive and women’s health, experiencing the whole process throws whatever stock knowledge you have into disarray.
It’s the whole nine-month waiting period, wherein for every mother the only thing that mattered was the health and well-being of their developing baby. It’s true that there’s a lot of material that helped in understanding what’s going on but to be honest, no matter how many books you read, no matter how prepared you think you are, each pregnancy is different, each experience unique in its own little way. I have proven most of the information to be either true or not applicable in my own situation.
Let me tell you, it was an emotional, psychological, and physical rollercoaster for me. The physical part was very obvious since the characteristic trait of a pregnant woman is the big belly. The inevitable weight gain was definitely a very big deal to me – but its safe to say that even if you’re not pregnant, your weight matters a lot. From a weight of 65kgs, I weighed a whopping 83kgs during my ninth month. It really felt like I was carrying a very big person inside of me. I kept wondering how my husband could stand to look at me since I got so huge and so ugly with all the darkened areas, and don’t get me started with all those stretch marks and cellulite. I couldn’t even recognize myself in the mirror.
Now comes the emotional part. Oh boy, the mood swings were terrible. I felt sorry for the people around me especially my husband. I cried about every little thing. I got mad about trivial things, I was almost always in a foul mood and I would get overly depressed or emotional over things that normally wouldn’t have ignited a simple, “meh” or “huh” from me. I was almost impossible to console when I’m having a tantrum or hissy fit. I always found something to argue about and I easily get mad with my husband, my parents, or my in-laws for the simplest reasons.
Psychologically speaking, I was a mess. I was stressed and utterly almost always on the edge of insanity. A lot of things kept crossing my mind with each passing minute of every day, week and trimester. I kept myself busy thinking about the baby, the cost, my job, my husband, my family, my health, the bills, literally everything that I usually trouble myself with plus the concerns accompanying the would-be addition to our family. I would space out and stare off at a distance just thinking about how to handle each and everything once I was about to give birth.
I was sure I wouldn’t be able to handle it since another problem I had was that my husband was away most of the time doing overtime and doing his best to save up as much as he could in preparation for our baby. This meant a lot of time I was going crazy was spent without the most important person in my life. I would often talk to my unborn baby to voice out my sadness and frustration, but I guess it was a definite blessing for me that we still managed to see each other and be together during those critical moments that I was feeling so helpless and alone even for a few days at a time. I was grateful I had family and friends visit me during the very difficult moments. Throughout the entire span of the pregnancy, I could sum up the ordeal as unpleasant since I was definitely agonized and shocked by all the changes. I was never really prepared for anything. But after those whole nine months, my entire perception was changed. At that moment in the delivery room, when I was so close to feeling like I was going breathless, the sound I heard was the most important and unforgettable sound I have ever heard. At that second, time stood still and every nasty feeling that I had, every worry, every concern seemed to have magically disappeared - that moment I had heard my baby’s cry. God’s perfect blessing our lives was born that morning, healthy and perfect.
It was then that I was truly welcomed into the ranks of motherhood. The whole process was indeed arduous and paved with pain and worry but every mother knows that the reward is beyond any measure, the moment you hold that precious newborn baby in your arms for the very first time. I knew everything was worth it, and at that time nothing else mattered but the feel of his tiny hand grasp my finger, the throb of his fluttering heart and the warmth of his body against my breast. I was now a mother.
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